The Only One That Knows Me
by Caithrine Glidewell
Summary: Alec goes to pack up his things from Magnus's apartment after the devastating break up. Post CoLS. Depressing. I just had to get my Malec feels out, so here it is. Mild M for depressing themes and mild smut. MALEC FOREVER
1. Chapter 1

**Better Than I Know Myself – Adam Lambert**

Alec's throat swelled as his fingers grazed over the cold metal of his key to Magnus's apartment in his pocket. He stared at the door to the apartment complex, to the doorbells, to the one marked BANE. He remembered the first time he'd been here, for the party where they had found out the truth about Clary's past and her mother's dealings with the High Warlock. Alec remembered the first time he'd seen Magnus, the way the warlock had flirted with him, making him wonder for the first time if his homosexuality was really that obvious. Alec reached out and brushed his fingertips over the name and the doorbell next to it. He knew Magnus was not home, and did not press the call button, although some part of him longed to try, to hope that Magnus would buzz him up and pull him into his arms like always.

Alec's hand returned to the pocket of his pea coat and he wrapped his hand around the golden key there. He looked at the key hole in the door, separating out the one of two keys on the ring that went to it just by touch, and moved the key to his palm. He knew that he was being childish. He should just go upstairs and get his things like Magnus had asked, rip off the band aid, but he couldn't bring himself to think that way. He curled his fingers around the key, tighter, tighter, until he felt the metal break skin, barely wincing, and more from the deep rooted emotional pain than the sting in his palm. Alex swallowed hard and finally pulled the key from his pocket, stained with his blood, and slipped it into the key hole. It left a smear of red around the lock that, in some sick way, Alec found fitting. Magnus may still love the shadowhunter, but he was ripping his heart out, and his blood would stain his doorstep from the act.

Alec pushed the door open and started up the steep, half lit staircase, untouched by the early afternoon light in the narrow windowless corridor. Alec had meant to come earlier. When Magnus said he would be out all day, it meant he would be home anytime between 4 in the afternoon and 3 in the morning, as Alec had learned from many failed surprise dinner attempts and late nights up. So Alec had meant to go straight from the subway tunnel to the institute, to report Maureen, then come here, but as soon as he had walked out of the library, his former anger at Camille crashed like a wave. Depression hit him and he ran down the halls of the institute to his room. He locked the door and threw himself on the bed with a far too tight shirt he had worn for Magnus once, that still smelled like the warlock. And so here he was at just after one, coming to face the door to Magnus's apartment. Where the door downstairs had simply felt like walking through a door to his death, this one felt like a brick wall, suffocating and impenetrable. That doorstep held some of their simple first memories, but behind this door was everything they ever were.

Alec lifted his hand and touched the brass doorknob. The cool metal felt like it burned his skin with its chill, sending a jolt of ice straight to his heart and he cringed. His hand slid off the side of the doorknob, twisting it, and the door drifted open some, unlocked. Alec wondered for a moment if Magnus had done this on purpose, to get him in and out faster. Did Magnus really despise him so much for what he'd done? Not even what he had done, but what he had dared to consider. A consideration that seemed so ignorant and childish in the light of what Magnus had told him this morning. _I was thinking about it, you know? That's part of why I wanted the Book of White…The one thing I hadn't experienced was growing old with someone – someone I loved. I thought perhaps it would be you…_ Alec swallowed the lump in his throat down with much effort and toed the door to the apartment open, trying to drown out the voice in his head, that silky smooth voice that he would never be able to forget, the voice of the love he had so foolishly lost.

Alec slipped the key back into his pocket and looked around the large open space that was the main room of the apartment. There was a couch and two chairs in front of the unlit fire place. Somehow the cool ashes on the hearth seemed fitting, stamped out like the love between him and Magnus, always there, but cold and dusty, forgotten. Alec forced himself to step into the apartment, and tripped. At first he thought it was over one of Magnus' many expensive carpets, but when he glanced down, he came face to face with a disapproving Charmain Meow. _Great_, Alec thought, _even the cat hates me now_.

Alec didn't have much here. He was a light packer, and if he admitted it, he didn't have much anywhere. Weapons and clothes, clothes and weapons and a rarely used cell phone. It was all he had, really. Clothes and weapons and a cell phone and a key…

A key that he no longer had the right to call his. His hand wrapped around it in his pocket again as he walked blindly to the bedroom. He knew the shape of the two keys by touch, so familiar to him from night after night of coming to this apartment. In truth, he lived more here now than at the Institute. _But you don't live here anymore_, he reminded himself, _you've lost your privilege to call this place home_. Alec bit his lip, not noticing the shimmering, thin tears that lay on his cheeks. Alec stepped into the bathroom first, taking his toothbrush from the holder, his shampoo and conditioner from inside the shower, his Gillette raiser from the medicine cabinet. He remembered remarking once that he and Magnus could use the same raiser, but for some reason Alec would probably never understand, Magnus had insisted that he liked using the Venus raisers better. _They're exactly the same_, Alec had told them, seeing as the fine print on the box specifically said Venus by Gillette, _Those are just in girlier colors_. But Magnus had continued to insist that it gave him a smoother shave and softer skin, and eventually, Alec had given up.

Alec placed all his toiletries by the bathroom door only to realize he hadn't thought to bring a box or anything. Alec sighed and went to the kitchen to grab a trash bag from under the sink. There he saw, hanging next to the stove, a bedazzled apron Magnus had made for him since he liked to make breakfast for them so often, considering that he always woke up considerably earlier than Magnus. After Magnus would grumble and come down the hall, he would eat whatever Alec had made and rag him back to bed, for activities other than sleeping… the thought made Alec's stomach pang and he ripped the bag quickly from the roll, turning around. He caught sight of the clock on the stove. It was 2:15. Somehow Alec had managed to waste an hour just gathering his things from the bathroom, always getting sidetracked by all the… memories, of him and Magnus in the shower. As Alec swallowed and turned to leave the kitchen, he spotted the apron again. Should he take it? Did he have a right too, or were gifts from your ex some unspoken forbidden token you were not allowed to keep. In the end Alec stood there staring at it for god knows how long before he took it down and stashed it in the bag, feeling selfish.

Alec walked back down the hall to the bathroom and just threw all his stuff into the bag. As he stood, brushing off his pants (Magnus rarely ever mopped, and Alec had been so busy with the search for Jace recently, he hadn't either). He spotted the shower, his shave gel still on the edge. He reached for it looking over the old claw foot tub that was just oh-so-Magnus, and swallowed uneasily. If he had to think about it, which he wished he weren't, Alec would say that that shower was the center of the second most mass of his and Magnus's memories. Images flashed through Alec's mind, a soft kiss, a golden hand trailing down his water slickened side, Magnus whispering in his ear as he bent him over, caressing the small of his back…

Alec clenched his eyes hard, pinching the bridge of his nose in an attempt to block out the images. They seemed surreal in the light of the trash bag rumpled on the floor. The memories seemed like they didn't belong to him anymore. They belonged to some other dark haired, blue eyed boy who would never dare to betray Magnus, never risk losing him lest he lose himself.

Alec forced his eyes open and grabbed the bag from the ground. He would not let himself cry, not here, not now. He could cry later, in the safety of his room at the institute, he told himself. He could allow that. Alec left the bathroom and moved towards the room that would be by far the hardest. _Just go in, empty the drawer, and get out_, Alec pep talked himself, _Just pretend you're packing for another trip. A really long, possibly indefinite trip…_

Alec swallowed hard, steadying himself before wrapping his Mark scarred hand around the doorknob. He really wished now that he would have thought to put on Clary's fearless rune, but it was too late. The door swung open slowly, with a slight creak that made Alec cringe, and he stepped under the threshold. Nothing had changed in the room. The canary yellow sheets were rumpled on Magnus's side, the way they were every morning because Alec would always smooth them out on his side when he got up. The floor was scattered with the sequined, glittered, sheer, neon splatter paint that was Magnus's clothes, one or two of Alex's black tee-shirts among them where they were haphazardly thrown in fits of passion. Alec picked one of them up at his feet, balling it up in his fist only to notice that one of Magnus's metallic shimmery tops had been wound up with it by the static. Alec unwound the gold shirt from his black one and stared at it, almost dripping in his palm like liquid gold, before bringing it up to his face and inhaling the scent that was uniquely Magnus. Alec could never quite pinpoint what it might be and eventually he had stopped trying. Alec clenched his jaw, eyes still closed, and thrust the shirt into the bag, leaving his own black one on the ground, forgetting about it. He couldn't imagine never smelling that again, the scent that comforted him in seconds. Alec could never have thought a scent could do that until he'd met Magnus.

Alec forced himself into the room, grabbing his copy of The Shadow Hunter's Codex off of the nightstand on his side, which some part deep in the pit of Alec's stomach, was glad was closest to the door. Alec picked up the book, his hand grazing over the silver engraved lettering on the dark maroon leather. _Do you ever read anything for fun, Alexander?_ Magnus had teased him. _I _am_ reading this for fun_, Alec had retorted, nose still in the book, to which Magnus had rolled his eyes, pulling the young shadowhunter on top of him, the book splaying on the floor as the warlock kissed him.

Alec shoved the book in the trash bag and grabbed his spare phone charger from the wall beside the bed, tossing it in too. Alec finally turned to the dresser. Alec didn't keep anything hung in the closet, he didn't really keep anything nice enough here for it to be necessary, but he had two drawers full of his generic black and grey clothing and shadowhunter gear. Alec dropped the trash bag and pulled open the top drawer. It was stalked neatly with his jeans and black pants, a couple pairs of the pants used with gear, and, deep in the bottom, a pair of bedazzled blue jeans that said DAT ASS on the back pockets which Alec had worn once, for Magnus's birthday, and which had been hastily removed… Alec shoved all of this into the bag and thrust the drawer back home. He quickly opened the next drawer down that held his shirts, and froze.

Right there on top of all his shirts, was the blue scarf Magnus had talked him into wearing a few weeks ago. Was it a few weeks, or a few days? Alec couldn't remember anymore, only stare at the blue fabric that matched his eyes. This was exactly the kind of thing Magnus would do. If there was a piece of clothing Magnus thought Alec looked particularly good in, or a color he thought Alec needed to add to his bleak wardrobe, Magnus would sneak the article of clothing into Alec's drawers in a poor attempt to get Alec to wear it. Alec's hand moved up slowly to touch the soft fabric of the scarf. He dragged it gently out of the drawer, unfurling it so it hung, folding unequally in half in his hand as his thumb stroked the soft, blue fibers. Alec stood there for a second, frozen as he felt the final fissure crack in his heart before he fell to his knees, clutching the scarf in a white knuckled fist. Alec gathered the scarf between both his hands, bent his head to it, and cried. He let himself cry shamelessly, tears spilling onto the delicate blue fabric.

Alec sat there on his knees, letting his body tremble with sobs, the one thing he told himself he wouldn't do, but it was involuntary now. He felt as if his heart was being ripped out of his chest and he knew he only had himself to blame. His betrayal and his own god damn insecurity. This scarf was just another illustration of that. Alec remembered the fight, or more of just a little quip, they'd had the morning Magnus had sent him off with the scarf. _Am I the newest thing in this apartment?_ It was such a stupid question. Such a stupid, insecure, childish question, and Alec hated himself now for ever letting the words leave his lips. Alec didn't know how long he cried. It would have been hours or minutes, but at some point, he drifted off to sleep.

When Alec woke, it was with a start, to someone saying his name. A smooth, rich voice, like caramel that matched the color of the speaker's skin. At first Alec thought he must still be dreaming as he blinked and the image in front of him focused, but as soon as he saw the look of distaste on the warlock's face, he knew he couldn't be. "Magnus," he said questioningly, his voice thick with the remnants of his tears. Alec forced himself into a sitting position, realizing that the blue scarf was still tangled around his hands.

"What are you doing here, Alexander," Magnus demanded in a flat, emotionless voice. Alec felt like his cat eyes were staring into his soul, burning him with their disapproval, and he swallowed hard.

"I was…" Alec took a deep breath to try to steady his voice but it didn't do much. "I was packing," Alec held up the scarf, his head looking down at the blue fabric in his hands.

"It's 8 o'clock, Alexander," Magnus said, shaking his head in the manor a of a parent who is disappointed in their child, "Don't you think you could have done that sooner?"

Alec dragged himself to his feet. 8 o'clock? Had he really slept that long? He couldn't remember what time it had been last he checked. "I… I was, but I…" Alec couldn't bring himself to complete a sentence. Standing here in front of Magnus, with that bank look in the warlock's eyes, was like being slice open all over again.

"Fell asleep?" Magnus's tone almost seemed mocking, irritated, "Yes I see that. I would appreciate if you finished now and left." Magnus's words were certain and harsh. Alec cringed.

Even still, Alec took a step towards Magnus, the scarf in one hand, the other reaching out to his boyfriend, because in his head Alec couldn't bear to call him his ex. "Magnus, please, we can talk through this-"

Magnus stepped back with one foot and put a hand up, "Just stop there, Alexander. There's nothing for us to talk about."

"But there is," Alec insisted desperately, taking another step towards him, "I acted selfishly and insecurely, but I can make up for it, we can work through this-"

"I don't want to work through it," Magnus growled, "You were going to shorten my life Alexander. Selfish doesn't cover what you are."

"I wasn't going to though!" Alec pleaded desperately. He was only a little over a foot from the warlock now, "I never came close. I was childish and insecure. If you just gave me another chance, I know now. Just let me tr-"

When Alec was maybe 8 inches away from him, Magnus grabbed Alec by the collar of his pea coat and shoved him against the dresser. For a split second, Alec was terrified. Terrified that Magnus would yell at him, or hurt him even, but in the time it took Alec's eyes to widen, Magnus's lips crashed against his, forcing them open. Magnus's tongue probed its way around the young shadowhunter's mouth, not gently. He was pushing Alec against the dresser so hard the knobs were digging into his back painfully, but he didn't care. Because Magnus was kissing him. After Alec could get some semblance of a handle on his shock, he kissed the warlock back, desperately, pleadingly. Alec's tongue danced with Magnus's but he would always back down to his dominance.

Magnus's lips left the blue eyed boy's, and for a second he panicked. No, this couldn't be happening again. He couldn't let Magnus walk away the way he had in the station. But then Magnus's teeth were on his neck. He was biting and sucking at the pale flesh there with rough intensity. Normally Alec would have opposed to this kind of roughness, but he couldn't care right now. He was with Magnus, and they were making out, sort of. Alec's mind was a blur.

Magnus suddenly pulled the shadowhunter by his lapel and threw him onto the bed, so his chest was flat against it, his legs still over the side. Alec didn't have the coherence to think to climb onto the bed before Magnus grabbed his hips, pinning him in his position anyway. With a ferocity that should have scared Alec, but didn't, Magnus pulled Alec's pants down to his knees. For the first time Alec could feel some clarity. Magnus was going to fuck him. They were actually going to sleep together. What did this mean? Was it make-up sex? Could Alec be that lucky?

A moment later, Alec felt Magnus slide a lubed finger slowly into his entrance. Where Alec had been slightly aroused before, he now jumped to attention. Alec closed his eyes tight as Magnus, much less gently than he was used to, forced in another finger, scissoring him to prepare for what was coming. All too soon, Magnus's fingers left him and he whimpered at the emptiness. Magnus shoved into him then, not slowly, without care to the way it tore Alec apart. Alec screamed, clenching the sheets and his jaw, but he didn't want Magnus to stop. He still felt too good inside of him, so familiar, and in a way, Alec felt like he deserved the pain. As Magnus kept on, the pain decreased, and Alec was on the verge of cumming faster than he could have imagined, not since the first time he and Magnus had slept together, and even then, Magnus had blown him first.

"Don't stop," Alec begged, "Magnus, Angel, please don't stop…" Alec chanted. He could tell by the disjointed rhythm Magnus's thrusts had taken on that he was close too. Alec felt it pool inside him, warm and true and so familiar it hurt and then he was cumming on Magnus's yellow sheets just before Magnus buried himself deep inside the teen and let his own orgasm spill.

Magnus collapsed on top of the boy, but instead of staying like that for several minutes, kissing his neck, and whispering of his love the way Magnus usually did after they made love, Magnus rolled off of to the side, pulling out of him. The sensation was foreign to him and Alec could feel something spill slowly down his thighs as he gasped for air. For several minutes there was only silence filled by heavy breathing between them, and Alec allowed himself to relax a little, but was instantly retensed when Magnus spoke, "You should go now, Alexander," He said in the same flat voice, "I'll have the rest of your things shipped to you."

Alec rolled over so that he could see Magnus, his eyes widened with shock as he forced himself not to cry. "But… we just… I thought, maybe…"

"That was a goodbye, Alexander. This changes nothing."

Alec stared at the warlock for a moment locker before scooting to the edge of the bed and pulling his pants up hastily, even though his skin was covered in mess. He had to get out of there before he broke down completely. Alec got up off the bed, grabbing the bag of his things from the floor, and ran. He ran out the door and down the steps, down the vacant, chilled street in front of Magnus's building, and took a sharp turn into the alleyway beside the building. There, Alec fell to the ground, curled up against the wall, and cried.

Inside Magnus groaned, throwing his arm over his face. He couldn't have made this harder. He decided that all those things people said about a clean break were bullshit. There was never a clean break. Magnus sat up in the center of the bed, pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes after pulling his pants up. When he took them away, he saw the blue scarf sprawled on the bed where Alec's hands had been thrown. Magnus reached over and touched it tentatively, gathering it loosely in his hands. Magnus put his head in his hands and could smell the salt of Alec's tears on the scarf. Within seconds, he was adding his own.

**A/N: So there it is. I listened to the song at the top on a loop for like 3 days straight after reading about the Malec break up and I just had to write this! I'm not sure if it came out quite the way I would have liked it though, so please R&R. Let me know:**

**-Did you like it?**

**-Did I make you cry?**

**-Do you want me to write more?**

**-Did you like the song?**

**-Any other Malecy depression that you need to get out, go ahead and throw it out there, too. We could all use a shoulder to cry on!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Comatose – Timmy Curran**

_Magnus_

Magnus woke the next morning to the light peeking in from the curtains, blinding him. He rolled over, groaning. If sun was coming through his window at that angle, it was far too early. He stretched with a groan and turned his nose towards the air, waiting for the scent of waffles and cooking eggs to drift into his nose the way they always did when he was woken up ungodly early. But the smell never came, and Magnus opened his eyes. He opened his eyes to see the blue scarf raveled up beside him, and he remembered. There was no breakfast, because there was no Alec.

The sheets on his side of the bed were mussed from their rough lovemaking the night before. _Did it count as making love? Or was it just fucking when you did it in a fit of anger, as a last stand to the lover who betrayed you?_ Magnus didn't know. The question made his head hurt. He rubbed his eyes and groaned, rolling back onto his back, reopening them to the blank, cracked ceiling. Cracked straight through the center, just like his heart when he read the note that had been slipped under his door night before last.

Magnus had wanted so badly not to believe it. He wanted to wake up in the morning to find Alec by his side, and pull him close, knowing he had been played by Camille. But still, he couldn't risk his own ignorance in something so severe. He'd cast a spell before he climbed into bed the night before. A spell that would wake him instantly if Alec left the flat. And so when Alec had snuck out in the early morning light, Magnus had woken with a start, and snapped himself into his clothes, before following the young shadowhunter through the cold New York Streets.

When they came to the entrance to the abandoned train station, Magnus had to pause to steady himself. So it was true. His one true love had betrayed him, conspired to shorten his life. At first Magnus couldn't wrap his head around it, but he wasn't so foolish as to be convinced by his own unwillingness to accept the truth.

Magnus clenched his eyes shut again, coming back to reality. To his empty bed, and his empty house. His flat, filled with clothes and things from all over the world, had never felt more desolate.

As badly as Magnus wanted to lay there in self-pity and go back to sleep, he still forced himself to roll out of the bed, realizing he was still wearing his clothes from the night before. He let it go as he rubbed his eyelids, nursing the headache that was beginning to bloom. He snapped himself out of his clothes and into an embroidered robe he'd gotten when he stayed in Athens with Alec. Magnus shook his head, but he couldn't forget the memory that flooded his mind. Athens had been the first time the warlock and the shadowhunter had slept together.

Two weeks and one country after the Battle at Brocelind Plain, Magnus and Alec had landed in Greece. Alec had insisted that he just wanted to stay in the hotel room and relax. Magnus had consented, never being able to say no to those blue eyes, and in truth, he didn't mind. They stayed at the hotel, had room service bring them food, and lit some candles. It wasn't long before one thing led to another and they were tangled between the bed sheets as they fell asleep.

Magnus whipped the memory away with the sound of the sheet as he tore it off the bed. They needed to be washed. The canary yellow linens were covered in sweat and cum, and Magnus realized now, swallowing down a hard lump in his throat, a little blood. Magnus hadn't realized just how rough he'd been with the boy. Sure he hadn't been gentle, but Magnus realized now that he had barely prepped him at all, and lube or no, he hadn't eased himself into it. And he had made Alec bleed. Magnus closed his eyes as words like _rape_ and _molester_ flashed through his thoughts. But Alec wouldn't see him that way, would he? Magnus couldn't bear the thought if he did. Whether he was with the Shadowhunter or not, he loved him, and the thought of him hating him tore Magnus to shreds.

Magnus balled up the rest of the sheets, the blue scarf tangled with them, and walked downstairs to the laundry room. Usually he would just snap the load into the washer and be done with it, but today he found something therapeutic in actually doing the small bit of work. Magnus dumped the bundle into the washer and measured out the soap, dumping it in too, before closing the lid and pressing start. Magnus closed his eyes and leaned against the washer. The _thump-thump_ of the spin cycle somewhat lulling, bringing a small smile to his lips.

He had woken up one morning to find the bed empty, even though Alec had been there the night before, a long time before he would ever have had to worry about Alec sneaking out to meet Camille. He had sat up and found a small slip of paper on Alec's smoothed pillow case with two simple words on it. _Doing Laundry_. Magnus had smiled, snapping on a robe, and gone downstairs to find the dark haired boy in front of the rickety communal washer for the building. "Haven't been down here in a long time," Magnus had mused, startling the boy. Alec had rolled his eyes and returned to putting in each piece of clothing one by one. "_Well sorry some of us can't just snap our clothes into cleanliness_," he'd retorted with thick sarcasm. Magnus had just given a light laugh, and kissed the boy's neck, to which Alec protested, but once all the clothes were in, Alec slammed down the lid and turned to crash his lips against Magnus's.

Magnus shoved himself off the washer and headed back upstairs, snapping himself a cup of coffee along the way.

**Rolling in the Deep – Adele**

_Alec_

Alec eventually dragged himself back to the Institute sometime in between midnight and 1 in the morning. When he stepped out of the clanking elevator at the Institute, he could hear his mother calling to him, demanding to know where he'd been so late, but he ignored her as he made his way to his room and fell into bed.

He woke up having slept like crap and feeling like he'd been crapped on. He had never showered or changed so there was still a thick, sticky mess lining his thighs and gluing the denim of his pants to them. He hauled himself out of bed and into the bathroom, shedding his disgusting clothes and turning on the shower as hot as it would go with the old plumbing system. He stepped into the steam, trying to let the scalding water sooth the tense muscles in his shoulders, but it did little good.

Alec went to work cleaning his body of the dried cum and quickly found that it was mixed with blood. Alec groaned. He had felt at first as if Magnus were ripping him from the inside out, but he had never suspected that he actually had. That the warlock had literally and metaphorically torn him apart from the inside out in his last stand to the shadowhunter, his last _goodbye_.

The word made Alec see red. _Goodbye?_ _GOODBYE? _What the fuck kind of goodbye was that? Fucking him senseless and then telling him to leave like nothing had happened? Leaving his body feeling worse than when he'd been on the brink of death with demon poison in his veins? It wasn't a good bye. It was exactly what it was called, a thorough _fuck you_.

Alec turned off the water quickly, his forehead wrinkled in anger. Alec had given Magnus everything. He had given him his love, his trust, his care; Alec had risked being disowned for the warlock. Yet at the first mistake, Magnus dumped him and walked out like it was nothing that they loved each other and had risked their lives for the other countless times over the last months. Alec stepped out of the shower and tore the white towel off of the rack, wrapping it tightly around his waist. He put his hands flat on the counter, his shoulders rising and falling with his deep, angered breaths. He reached up to wipe the steam away from the center of the mirror and looked at his reflection.

Had he changed? He felt like he should have. Like his skin and his face should show some aging or scar from the brutal beating his soul had taken. But no, he was the same, young looking, blue eyed boy he had always been, only dark circles and red eyes to show that he had cried out all that was left of him. Alec had been shattered to dust, but his body stood unfazed in front of him. Alec raised his hand and shot forward, shattering the glass with his fist. The pieces of the mirror clattered around him with a tickling sound. A sound that reminded him of the necklaces around Magnus's neck clanging together, and Alec squeezed his eyes shut, and all he saw was red. He didn't feel the cuts on his knuckles, or his feet as he stepped on the broken glass.

He walked out of the bathroom and into his room. Everything in it was so pristine and neat. So different from Magnus's eclectic apartment. Suddenly the cleanliness sent a wave of fury through him. The world was not like this, neat and clean; everything in its place. No, it was messed up, and broken, and about to be burned to the ground. This was only an example of the front the world put up to allow itself to believe that if the world looked clean, it was.

Alec's eyes grazed over his bed, sheets smoothed as he'd done a short while ago. Next to it, his nightstand, a few books stacked on it, biggest on the bottom, smallest on top, in a neat pyramid. On the other table, a small lamp and a glass of water. His closet door was open and Alec could see his clothes hanging there, white on the left, black on the right, gray in the middle. His dresser was just to the right of the door, and on top was an assortment of picture frames. Him and Izzy, Him and Jace, his parents, the whole family in Idris. And on the wall above hung pictures held up by tacks. Him and magnus all over the world. England, India, Morocco, Athens… So many places Alec had lost count.

And snapped. Alec rushed to the dresser, sweeping all the frames off the top, sending them flying and shattering on the ground. He reached for the pictures on the wall, tearing them down carelessly, ripping and crumpling them. He screamed out as he tore the pictures apart. They fell like confetti to the ground among the shattered frames.

Alec moved to the closet, throwing the siding door open so hard, it came off the track, and reached for the clothes, tearing them off the hangers and throwing them haphazardly around the room. Tears were flowing thick on Alec's cheeks, but still all he saw was red. He wondered what Magnus would do if he saw him now. _Alexander!_ He would call, appalled. _Alexander, stop!_

But he couldn't stop. Not now. And He wasn't with Magnus anymore. He didn't have to listen to him. Alec turned to his bed, tearing off the comforter, knocking the glass off the night table in the process, spreading water and glass across the floor. _Alexander Gideon Lightwood!_ Magnus's voice snapped in his head. _This isn't you. Calm down, you're over reacting._

"Shut up!" Alec yelled, throwing over the other nightstand. The books skidded across the floor, the pages beginning to soak up the water on the floor.

_Alexander, enough!_ Magnus's voice snapped at him, just as he was about to flip the mattress. A pair of strong arms wrapped around his bare waist, and were dragging him away.

All Alec could think as he was dragged out of the room was, _This is what the world is. Broken._


	3. Chapter 3

Whataya Want From Me (Acoustic) – Adam Lambert

Alec sat, his head bent, in one of the overstuffed chairs in the library. There was a towel at his feet littered with shards of glass and smeared with his blood. His father stood next to him, carving an Iratze into his shoulder. At the back of his mind, Alec resolved that he must have just gotten back last night or this morning, but the fact seemed so irrelevant. His father looked down at him with mixed emotions. Concern, fear, a little bit of anger, maybe disappointment. One some level, there was a permanent hint of disappointment in Robert Lightwood's eyes since his son had come out. It all seemed so trivial to Alec now.

What had happened less than an hour ago seemed like a blur now. Alec wasn't even sure what he had been mad at then. Now the only person he was mad at was himself. As much as he wanted to blame Camille, or the twisted world he lived in, or even Magnus, he knew he had brought all this pain on himself. He'd become a home wrecker. He had destroyed his life with the only person he had ever truly, completely loved.

Robert lowered himself into a chair across from Alec, poising himself with his elbows on his knees, shoulders tense. He took a deep breath, looking Alec over, his eyes assessing the boy. He sighed, the concern winning over finally as he spoke to the desolate, empty shell of his son in front of him. "What happened, Alexander?"

Alec flinched at his full name. Since his father chose to stay in Idris, Magnus had been the only person to use it. It shouldn't have, but it felt like a slap across the face. Alec just shook his head, not meeting his father's eyes. How could he tell him that it was because Magnus had broken up with him? Robert had never fully approved of the relationship anyway. He wouldn't understand, and Alec didn't know how much more of the ever present disappointment he could take.

"Alexander," His father's voice was a little more firm now, the fatherly tone, "look at me." Alec worried at his lip, but looked up at his father under black lashes, the vibrant blue in his eyes almost closer to gray for once, the life in them diminished. "What happened?" Robert lightwood enunciated each word.

Alec swallowed, running his index finger uncomfortably over his bottom lip. He didn't want to say it. Saying it out loud meant it was really true, right? That he had accepted it? He had far from accepted it, but it was there, glaring in his face. "Magnus and I broke up…" The words came out in a flat voice. They felt so anticlimactic, so empty. Alec thought surely admitting it would be harder, something would feel different when he did, but nothing.

However, his eyes did brim with tears, his face contorting in a sick look of pain as he remembered the previous night. Magnus pounded into him mercilessly, but he didn't care. He didn't care that it hurt because he thought that he would get to curl up against the warlock's chest when it was over and sleep away the pain and the betrayal. But instead, he woke alone this morning, his body feeling battered, blood on his skin, a knife through his soul.

At the expression on Alec's face, the one on Robert's immediately turned to anger. Whatever had happened between the filthy Downworlder and his son, it had hurt Alec terribly. Enough to cause him to destroy everything in his room. Robert always knew the man was bad news. Alec was young and naïve and the Downworlder took advantage of him.

"What did that bastard do to you?" Robert growled, coming to his feet. If the man had raised a hand to Alec, he could take him out in an instant. It would be so easy to plead Covenant Law. Alec just shook his head, a strangled sort of sob escaping his throat. Robert swept his jacket off the back of a chair and started to stalk towards the door.

"No, stop!" Alec exclaimed, his face still pained, but now also in a mixture of worry for what his father would do to Magnus. "He didn't do anything to me. I brought this on myself…"

This only seemed to enrage his father further as he took a step back towards his son, "You expect me to stand here and watch you like this and believe that he did nothing to you?"

Alec bit his lip, shaking his head. How could he make his father understand? "Dad… please don't hurt him…" His voice sounded weak and ridiculous and he knew the plea would mean nothing to his father. "I did this. I…" Alec shook his head, knowing that if he confessed this, the disappointment in his father's eyes would only grow. "I've been speaking to Camille for months… She told me that…that she knew a way to make Magnus mortal. So that we could be together…" Alec's voice grew quieter with each word so that by the end, Robert was straining to hear.

When his son's words finally registered, the look of anger on his face changed to one of a completely different sort. Cold and harsh, obviously directed at Alec now, "You collaborated with a Downworlder?" Robert spat the words, his eyes boring into Alec, "One the Clave has spent months looking for, no less, to shorten a man's life?" The man's words dripped accusation and disgust. Alec knew he could be prosecuted by the Clave for this. He knew he could be stripped of his marks, probably worse.

His father simply stared him down for what felt like hours but was probably less than a few minutes. The silence was deafening. "Get out." The words were simple and sharp. Alec flinched. "I won't report you to the Clave, but you will no longer live under my roof. I want you out before I return." Robert stared his son down, waiting for some response, some acknowledgement. When none came, he turned on his heel and left his only son, abandoned, in the empty Institute he could no longer call home.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: This author's note is dedicated to SecretlyANinja98, because she asked for it. I usually don't add one because I feel like they interrupt the integrity and continuity of the story, but if you guys want them, I will totally write them for you. Oh and by the way, to all the people who said that they cried/screamed/died/or printed out this story and burned it after reading, thank you for letting me know that I have done my job **

**Outlaws of Love – Adam Lambert**

Alec didn't grab any of his stuff. After all, his room at the institute was trashed. He just shrugged on his traveling coat and laced up a pair of his hunting boots and stalked out into the rain. Who would have thought? His own father was exiling him for working with a Downworlder… against a Downworlder. Except he hadn't been working against Magnus, he had been working towards a future with him. Magnus said he loved him; Alec had been trying to find a way for them to fulfill that love. Was that such a bad thing?

But to everyone else's eyes, it seemed to be the deepest act of betrayal he could have committed. Why wouldn't anyone let him explain? He never would have actually shortened Magnus's life! He would rather be turned into a vampire, become immortal himself, than take away Magnus's immortality. He realized that now, even when he had so opposed to it when Camille first told him it was the only way to achieve immortality, but now he wished he had accepted that option in the beginning.

Alec shrugged up the hood on his traveling coat. His raven hair was quickly becoming soaked through with the rain in the New York streets. It was getting dark. He thought it had been morning… Had he passed out after his father dragged him out of his room? He didn't think so… Was time really that lost to him? He could have sworn it was mid-morning when he had dragged himself into the shower at the institute, then again the way the shadows fell in his room… It was all a blur. A blur of glass and water and torn photographs and black and white and gray… All of it seemed to swirl in his head and leave him with a headache.

It was really pouring. The traditional Shadowhunting Traveling coats were not meant for rain. They were nice, wool with a silk lining, meant for warmth, comfort, and formality. Generally when Shadowhunters would travel, they portaled. The jacket was more of an accessory than anything and Alec was beginning to shiver as the rain saturated the wool of the coat, making it heavier on his shoulders. Alec pulled it tighter around his shoulders, not that that helped any.

Water was running in small rivers down the sides of the road towards little drainage holes. Alec looked down at the rain soaked sidewalk, the late New York lights reflecting off the pavement in blue and gold. He wasn't paying any attention to where he was going; just letting his feet lead him. He would find somewhere to stay later, now he just needed to think.

_Aku Cinta Kamu… I love you, not that that changes anything. _Alec winced as the words floated through his mind. How could he say something like that and just walk away? How could he act like the fact that they loved each other meant so little? If they loved each other, they could work through it. Was that really it? The final breaking point? Did Magnus think that Alec didn't love him? That if Alec was willing to go through with something like that behind his back, he couldn't possibly love him?

But it was so far from the truth. Alec couldn't love anyone else. Alec had only ever wanted Magnus, and could only ever imagine wanting him. Alec wanted them to spend the rest of their lives together, whether that was the length of his own life or the length of Magnus's, he needed them to be together for as long as was possible, humanly or otherwise. "Aku Cinta Kamu," Alec tried out the words on his lips.

Just then a bike messenger whizzed past him, splashing him with water and causing him to loose his footing and stumble against the wall. He would have cursed at the man on the bike, but he didn't care enough to pick a fight. He did look up for the first time, though, and realized when he was. Had he really walked all this way? No wonder his clothing was so soaked. He looked around the Brookline street and he knew immediately where he was. Two more blocks and a left turn and he would be outside Magnus's apartment.

Alec let himself continue to wonder mindlessly, his eyes becoming glassy. And then there he was. Of course he would come here, this is where he always came when he was upset or in trouble. Right now, though, it was the absolute last place he should be.

Alec swallowed. He could go up. He could ring the bell. He doubted the warlock would let him in, let alone let him stay there, but where else would he go? He guessed maybe he could go to Clary's, but they didn't have any room, and there was no way he was going to stay with her sister's boyfriend. Without really having made up his mind, Alec walked up to the door and ran his fingertip over the name, just as he had… was it only yesterday?_ Bane._ His hand landed on the buzzer and he pressed it, holding his breath.

**All I Need – Within Temptation**

Magnus lowered himself onto the couch still in his robe from the morning, a cup of tea in his hand that he had actually made instead of stealing in his attempt to keep his mind busy. He would have dropped in every grain of sugar one by one if he could. The TV was running on mute in the background. He'd done this routine 12 times in the last three hours. Tea, sit, TV, tea, sit, TV… to think of it, other than changing it up to make a sandwich around 1 and feed Charmain twice, he had repeated this routine all day.

Magnus picked the remote back up and unmuted the television. Reruns of The Brady Bunch were running. Magnus could swear he had seen this episode already today, or maybe it was just running together with the last one, or the one before that. He didn't know or care anymore. Alec had been fascinated by this show; by this presentation of a 'normal mundane family.' Magnus had always laughed and told him mundane families were never like that anymore, but Alec's face would light up in childish amazement anyway.

Magnus swallowed the lump in his throat and paused the TV again, pausing for a moment before just turning it off. He laid back on the pillows and balanced his cooling tea on his buttonless belly. Why couldn't he get Alec out of his head? Why couldn't he move on the way he always did. He was so hung up by every little thing that reminded him of the shadowhunter. He bit his lip every time he saw something blue, even if it wasn't the color of Alec's eyes. He had snapped his teacup from blue to yellow after his first two cups.

Magnus was about to go down to the laundry and get his bed sheets so he could curl up with them and go to sleep, hopefully waking to a little more perspective. Maybe tomorrow he would have a client. Hopefully tomorrow he would start to move on.

Just as Magnus was heaving himself off of the couch, the doorbell buzzed. Magnus groaned outwardly, but inside, he was hoping it was a client. Preferably one with a really bad curse that would take him all night or maybe even a few days, to fix. Magnus didn't even bother snapping himself out of his robe, just staggered down the stairs and threw open the door.

He was so shocked initially, he forgot to be cold or upset. He was here. His Shadowhunter. His Alec.

No, not his. Alec was no longer his. He had decided that. He had coldheartedly left Alec, because how could he possibly trust him again? When Magnus was so close to telling Alec everything about himself, to sharing his life, giving it up, and Alec would betray him, how could he ever trust again.

But he was here, on his doorstep, after he had left him, and abused him, he still came back. How could the boy be so stupid? The coldness that should have been there to begin with came back into Magnus's eyes. He'd thought after what happened last night, he could keep the Shadowhunter away, let his heart heal, but no. Here he was, standing in the dim glow of the streetlights and soaking from head to toe, his overly long black hair dripping in his ice blue eyes. Magnus had to look away before he could speak.

"What are you doing here?" He demanded. His voice wasn't as forceful as he had meant it to be, wavering a little at the sight of his love out in the cold.

Magnus took a glance at the boy out of the corner of his eye and Alec stuttered for a moment. "I-I…" Alec swallowed visibly, still caught up in the accident of arriving here, "My father kicked me out…" Alec took a deep breath, looking at Magnus, his blue eyes pleading, causing Magnus to bite back his feelings, "I didn't know where else to go."

Magnus swallowed, his jaw clenching. He wanted to be angry with the boy, but he couldn't quite bring it to the surface. Why had Robert Lightwood kicked him out? Surely it couldn't have anything to do with him or Camille? Magnus bit the inside of his cheek, "You can't be here, Alexander."

Alec blanched and his voice pitched, "Magnus, please. I don't have anywhere else to go. I don't expect you to let me sleep in your bed, or even talk to me, but I need somewhere to stay, at least for tonight."

Magnus looked into those wide blue eyes and he felt all the emotions and love dredge up in his chest again. They stood in silence for longer than seemed real and Magnus couldn't tell if it was tears welling in the boy's eyes, or just the rain. He closed his eyes and took a frustrated breath, then turned on his heel and walked back up the stairs to his flat, without closing the door behind him.


End file.
